What made you stop being an addict?

Now I have the mental fortitude to face life's every day battles.

I did it while watching my sister. I did it while touching my sister 😭 I did it while watching my landlord's daughter.

I knew about masturbation but I didn't actually think of doing it but one day, on my bed when I was preparing to go to school I was watching pornography and something just came in mind; why don't you rob your dick with your hand?

Why are white men so obsessed with Asian women? I'm friends with people from all different backgrounds but I never see my other non-white male friends obsess over or talk about Asian women like I've seen the white ones do.

Now I don't wait to be talked to before I respond. I talk when I think I'm supposed to.

There were times I could go 3 months without watching p*rn or masturbating but somehow I always came back to it.

All I knew was that, I couldn't masturbate without p*rn. I was first getting the urge to watch p*rn, while watching, I would now feel like masturbating.

Is having white skin really that attractive?

I don't know if all addictions are like this 🤔

Is masturbation and p*rn bad?

And these were just the act and not the mental and social problems associated with addiction.

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No self esteem. No confidence. No ambition. Just dreams.

The harder I tried, the worse it became. I could get angry with myself and go about 3 days without it but when I relapse, I can do 3 in a day. And the subsequent days; it's just me getting drowned in the rabbit hole.

I did it in my administrator's office.

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Was quitting worth the effort? At least for my mental health, it's a billion times worth it.

I remember I once did it in my classroom at dawn. I did it in the hospital's washrooms. I did it in the lab where I work; both daytime and midnight.

Now I know I have all the nice videos on my phone, the rest I don't have, are not nice. So I had to start watching them one after the other. Some of them were even 2 hours long but I made sure I watched every little bit of it.

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RUN 🏃‍♂️ for your dear life

Do I wake up everyday with lots of energy? No but that's because I have a health problem, which is a story for another day.

Read that again ☝️

Is it okay or problematic to be both Black and gay in society in the 21st century?

Have I stopped seeing girls as sex objects? Not entirely, I still want to f*ck some of them.

Am I totally free? I don't know 😕

It took me days to finish watching them. Finally I decided to go to the washroom to do The Last Fap.

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I started rubbing it and I liked how I was feeling so I kept on doing it faster and EUREKA, sperms came out of my dick.

Oh, and everyday I woke up tired 😫 I never slept early too. My mental health was nothing to write home about.

I just finished watching the best of the best p*rn videos on the planet. Now there's nothing else to look for on p*rn sites again.

Do women really cheat more than men?

And I can also talk to them now.

I made sure I downloaded every video that was nice for me. This took almost the whole day.

It didn't feel great after ejaculating but hey, who cares about feelings?

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This was February 2019.

I saw every girl or woman as a sex object including kid girls. There was no way I would look at a woman and not think of f*cking her.

I remember sitting on the bed and smiling and that was when it hit me that I have successfully masturbated.

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I knew something had to be done about my wasting existence because if nothing changes, then nothing changes.

So I thought had unlocked a new potential in life. I was doing it even if I don't feel the urge. I forced the urge to come by watching pornography.

There were times I was counting the days when I'm clean. But now I don't, because I got tired of counting and relapsing and starting all over again.

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Around age 9 I discovered pornography through my uncle, he had left the CD in the video player in the night after enjoying himself.

Remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

I didn't even start counting the days because I didn't really believe I would get this far.

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But for me, I would say RUN away from it

And I DID IT EVERYDAY

I went on my favourite site and started scrolling through my favourite categories; petite girls, sleeping girls, Japanese girls, Japanese mom, Japanese wife, massage, forced, in the bus, gangb*ng, Muslim girls, ebony, student and teacher, in the classroom, curvy, African, etc

I secretly kept on watching and watching until I got 19. At this time, I had started feeling the urge to ejaculate as I was watching the pornography.

A couple of months later I started hating it and regretting after every session. Yet, I couldn't stop.

So I'm still hanging on this lie.

I went there early in the morning trying to watch a movie and I found the CD inside the video player so I decided to watch what was on it and that was the beginning of the life I never wanted.

I know some people masturbate and they don't have the problems I went through.

I always wished they would sit inappropriately or the wind would blow up their dress so I can see things.

So all I had to do was to find a way to trick my dirty brain to think that p*rn isn't nice.

Just keep trying

I got tired of always breaking the promises I made to myself.

Now how do you quit your addiction?

But how was I going to do it when everything I knew wasn't working? I didn't know

I so badly wanted to f*uk a girl, yet I was so shy of girls. I never wanted to meet anyone. I always wanted to hide behind the phone and text.

I did it in my room. I did it in my washroom. I did it in school in the washrooms.